Salt all up on you!

I feel as if the song goes from being slow and low to higher and more up beat, it takes off like a rocket and makes your head bob along to the beat. The little dialogue that comes from the song is inspirational and makes me feel inspired, but one of the dialogues that interested me was “and I would like to be able to continue to let what is inside of me, which is from all the music that I hear, I would like all of it to come out.” This quote describes me, I am a plethora of endless music, I love music and I am constantly always listening to it, even if it’s for a brief period of time. I cannot stand not having music for a single day. And when music comes out of my phone, u know its describing the mood I’m in or its helping me heal from something that happened that same day.

Music comes out and touches people; it reaches out to me in every way possible and it can take over my day. When I’m feeling sad it comes out sad and rough around the edges, something like My Chemical Romance and Circa Survive lift up my spirits the best. While if I’m feeling wild and a little crazy I want to listen to something with a little bit of flow. Some hip-hop is what the doctor ordered and some gangster rap comes along with it. The quote sums up how we all engage music, that music can change the layout of our day, whether it be sad or hyperactive. Music makes us whole and without it we can’t really express ourselves with just mere words.

Back To The Caves We Go

Groundhogs day pretty much summed up my whole life in a nutshell, were I thought I was trapped in a maze of endless back and forth battles with myself. In my Cave blog I talked about how I had finally looked at myself in the mirror and saw that my character was being judged and I didn’t want to be this childish person that I was once was. Phil had to take a step back himself and look at himself and see what was wrong with his life and how he could make it better. How he could stop distancing himself from the rest of the outside world and become part of it. Just like we had discussed in class he had become an outcast to normal society and has thus made himself a brick wall so that no one could penetrate his defenses.

Groundhog Day turned out to be his look in the mirror just like I had to look in the mirror when I finally began to put childish things away. He had to become comfortable with the people around him, he pulled down his defenses and finally took a step forward in the end when he finally reached that enlightened state of being at peace with everyone. It may have taken him forever to realize it, but just like myself. I didn’t want to change until a certain scenario presented itself and it was that “life defining” moment that everyone talks about. This pretty much ends up back to the Cave and how the turning of the page was when the prisoner was let go and saw the light and saw all the wondrous things that were out there. It was the enlightenment that both Phil and I had, my looking in the mirror and Phil reliving Groundhog Day to have him change everything and become open to society.

Hold The (S) Because I am an Aint

            This just so happens to be my truth, I can remember when the warm loving embrace touched my lips, when the smell of cotton candy was always present in my room. When I heard laughter in my bed, when I heard sorrow in it as well. I thought this relationship with my ex-girlfriend could no longer be about us being ex-lovers but about us beginning a new life as friends. Because I had a girlfriend and my ex was no longer mine either. She had her own boyfriend, at first the truth was that we still loved each other and I would always hold on to her such as she would hold on to me. for a while we wouldn’t cross the lines and remained as friends.

            But just like anybody will tell you, one can never be friends with old lovers, it is very difficult to do. After a while we began to be comfortable with each other again, she would come over my house in the mornings to have breakfast and to sleep in my bed so that we may wake up next to each other like old times. But the truth was that we never grew apart from each other, we kept old habits and didn’t realize we were hurting the others in our lives. We were in our own little Cave again, we pretended like nothing was going on when in fact we were still acting as if we were still together this whole time. Not wanting to spend any time with the other people we had acquired along the way, not caring about their feelings and how they would feel if they found out about us hanging around this way.

           

            One day I looked at my own shadow, I stared in the mirror for a long period of time, longer than I’ve ever looked at myself in years. I had realized that my worst fear was not only to lose that person but to throw away the countless memories we had acquired over the years. We were both stringing ourselves along, pretending that what we were doing was right, we were both using each other as puppets and we were each other’s puppeteers. until finally we had kissed in my bed, it felt natural, as if we had never left each other’s side. I had never done anything of this nature in all my years of living; I could not sleep the next 3 hours with her next to me with her head pressed up against my chest. My heart just raced and begged for me to either stay or leave her forever. Just remembering in my head how hard it was to leave her there alone in my bed because I felt so guilty for what I had done hurts me. I had to adjust my eyes to the truth because I was mislead by my own truth that what I was doing was ok. That me and her were just friends and didn’t have feelings for each other at the least.


            It took remembering what she had done to me to realize that this isn’t the person I wanted to be with, that she had done me harm first and I was still being sucked into her strings. That it wasn’t both of us being the puppet masters. She was the true master, because she had put those images of old back into my head and I being the romantic I am went right into her trap. Her new boyfriend was my old best friend, who she had previously done the same thing with while she was with me. It took that one kiss to remind me why I had left her and why we had broken up. I thought that my truth was her because we had been together all this time that it just felt natural. But when I finally opened my eyes to see the sun come up and shine in my face the truth. I had to let her go, she was hurting me and I was hurting someone else, it wasn’t fair. If I had kept to this path I would never been able to look at myself in the mirror, because I was fighting for a person that no longer belonged to me and I knew wasn’t good for me. It just had to end all over again or I my truth would forever be questioned.