The Last of the Butterflies (work in progress)

‎"body is still shaking"....its ok, it will pass...."Does it hurt?"...its ok, soon u won't hurt no more..."but what of the butterflies?"....it will be missed I kno..."and of the tears?"....Just remember them, cuz your a "Fiend" now, we don't cry.....we don't cry anymore

Don't need Valentines to Remind Me of U

I kno it isn't vday anymore, the reason i'm sending u this a day after is cuz i want u to know
how I feel about u: that I don't need a holiday to remind me how my heart feels about u. that
I'm alwasy on the look out just to c u, that my heart jumps up when I take a glance at u.
my heart feels like glass when u leave or when your not around. Cuz it shatters like a burning star
entering the atmosphere, no time to take inn air, i'm breathless when i see u there. that smile across
your face lets me kno I matter, that warm embrace, i wish it would last a lil longer.
cuz i'm here to tell u that everyday i feel like somethings missing, a lil piece of me that i'm sure
I left with u, cuz I feel a lil different and I kno its a piece of u...u must think i forgot about u, but I'm dreaming
every night wishing id wake up beside u...Mad at u? more like mad about u, cuz I'll b in the clouds when I hug u. even if its for a lil while, ill make sure to never leave u without a smile....wake up to the
sunshine and I kno your there...words I don't repeat but u kno its there, knowing how much I care...
-Gilberto

Full of Matrix

            I always thought that dreams were just illusions and never really meant anything other than just a weird trip that we experienced in our brain. I never realized that instances of déjà-vu and feeling as if you had already done something before came from dreams. I tend to day dream a lot, I’m always constantly thinking in my head and rarely pay attention. I know that even though we don’t remember having a dream we actually do dream at every night. Our brains keep constantly working even while we are still asleep. Just because you can’t recall a dream doesn’t mean that you didn’t have one.

            Which is why I was talking about having déjà-vu, I tend to get déjà-vu a lot and hate it because I know I’ve been in a certain situation before and I try to defuse it by doing something different. I remember one dream in particular, I was going through a maze and was trying to find my way out, its actually funny because I fell asleep watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. In the movie the main characters also have to go through a maze to get to the goblet of fire and are being attacked by the maze itself. In my dream I made it out to the end of the maze and got out, but I was greeted by huge stone face. He started telling me that I had to solve this impossible puzzle box and that the last person who tried it died before he could finish it because there are 100 different puzzles in the box, and it gets harder and harder the further you get to number 100.

            I remember only a couple of levels as I kept trying to solve all the 100 puzzles, it was getting to the point where math was involved. There were instances where I couldn’t concentrate and I began to sit try to figure it out. I thought I was never going to solve this gigantic puzzle, until a note came out of the sky. It told me all the answers and let me pass easily. The only puzzle it didn’t have for some reason was number 86 which had to deal with me talking to someone on the other side of the puzzle. At first I thought that all I had to do was just talk to the old man and he would eventually get tired of me chatting it up with him. After some time had passed by, I noticed that he wasn’t going to give up the final puzzle.

            I then figured out that he wasn’t there to give me the answer, but that he was the answer to the puzzle. I grabbed the old man and pulled him outside of the puzzle, he was frail and old and looked as if he had been there forever. When I dragged him out of the puzzle he just disintegrated in my hand. I was at a loss for words and so from his ashes another note that said I was free to leave. I began walking but then I had woken up and didn’t see what was going on afterwards. Two days later I was with my girlfriend and we were sitting down watching television when she told me she had a surprise for me. I waited to see what the surprise was and she pulled this rubix cube. I saw a connection to it but didn’t know where I had seen the object before.

            While I was holding and lookin at it I remembered that this was one of the puzzle’s in my dream, instead of colors though the cube had numbers to it. The next thing I noticed was her sweater, for some reason it had the number 86 on it, it was her track sweater. To this day I still don’t understand what it all meant but I’m still at a loss for words by the whole situation. I told my girlfriend about it and she just laughed at me. I still haven’t found a note or some ashes so I’m just assuming its coincidence. But I believe that dreams usually tell us something, that they can tell us if something is wrong or if something is going to happen in the future. We can’t ever be sure what dreams mean, but after that weird dream. I feel like I’m in the movie The Matrix, as if my body is asleep somewhere and you don’t know if you are still asleep or awake. We live in dreams and so we are weak to its beautiful persuasion and mystery. 

"I have had dreams and I have had nightmares, but I have conquered my nightmares because of my dreams." - Jonas Salk

Its All In Your Head

One of the most objective times I have ever endured with another person was when I helped this random person on my way home from BART. I was walking and a blind stranger was trying to find his way to a certain bus stop and was a ways away from the BART station. I was on my way home, and was almost about to reach my house in about 5-6 minutes. While I was crossing the street I noticed a blind man crossing the same street and asked if he needed some help. I was well aware that I was almost home and was already dragging my feet as I was nearing my destination.

But something had compelled me to help this poor man who had probably been lost for awhile as he was trying to desperately find the BART station. I felt so bad that I actually walked along side him guiding him by voice all the way back to BART. It took me 25-30 minutes to get back there. By now means was I complaining as I was actually having a very thoughtful and funny conversation with the blind man. But I just couldn’t help but feel my spirits lifted as I kept talking to the blind man. The day had dragged on for me as I went from BART to SF State and then back to Hayward.

I understood that I was being selfish and thoughtful towards this man who didn’t have any clue where he was. Looking back at this experience I realize that it actually wasn’t him who was blinded but it was actually I who was blinded by all the beauty surrounding me. I mean, there is this blind man who doesn’t even know which way is north or south and he was joking with me and telling me stories of who he was and what he use to do. He was a real old timer, he knew what he wanted out of life, and there I was, youthful as could be but I didn’t know which direction my life was going.

I still don’t know what direction my life is heading towards, I have a million different ideas in my head and I want to do so much but I know there isn’t enough time to do everything. I wouldn’t mind relaxing either, this blind man made me realize that we never stop to look at the sights and the sounds of the world. All we do is just pass by and never look around to enjoy every little moment that life has to offer us. I was very humbled to be in his presence, because I never met a person who had almost everything taken away from them and still be able to enjoy his life and make every second count. I mean he was telling me about when radios were the big thing back in his time and how it was the greatest invention.

Now our life is more Television and Internet, we don’t interact much with real people anymore. It’s a digital age; we are getting lazier and more advanced as the years go by. We have gotten so far away from human contact that we don’t go visit our grandmas or family members we just either Facebook them or text them. If they don’t have either, then we just don’t bother contacting them because driving to them or even speaking on the phone feels like a savage act. We need to appreciate and practice being humble towards one another, recognize that we advancing but never forgetting to stop and look around. Because you never know what might be the last thing you ever see with your own eyes. 

The Final March

Before everyone starts to comment on my blog about how disturbing my choice of music is I would first like to say that we are all entitled to listen to whatever we want. I understand that the artist known as Marilyn Manson may not be a popular choice but I do love his work and I am a fan of his music. Sure I don’t look like the typical follower with the all black wearing Gothic theme that most of his followers resemble or the punk rock scene. I am a simple white t-shirt wearing, clean cut haired, and matching shoes with shirt walking ensemble. Not many people realize that I am a huge movie and music lover. Most people are shocked that I listen to such music, but it is the rhythm and lyrics that I love about Marilyn Manson’s music.

His choice of words maybe a little sadistic and odd at times and he can be very anti-religion and what not but this isn’t about the views. It’s about how the music speaks to me and how it makes my heart race and my blood go from normal to insane in the three minutes of music he delivers to my ears. It was a hard choice to pick a worth song from his list of great albums but I decided on “This is the New S**t” from the Golden Age of Grotesque album. The song reminds me of a revolutionary war song, as if the song could be an anthem for a teenage outcry. It represents the oppression that I feel at home, that I am to be like a soldier and follow orders all day and never question my commanding officers (my parents).

The song starts off in this very hush type of beat and slowly starts to build up strength, as the song keeps on going it reaches this angry battle-cry. It has you marching to the beat; makes you want to stand up for yourself and defend yourself. I still live with my parents and they are old school tough Latino parents. Its their rules that govern what goes on in the house, we as the children of the house are not allowed to question their authority. The children of the house do break the rules once in a while because we are a rebellious bunch. We want to live and get away from the rules that are being enforced. The song can represent the struggle to be yourself, to get away from the stranglehold of demanding rules that seem ludicrous.

This song always pumps me up, especially when I am on my way to training for Mixed Martial Arts. This is one of the ways I rebel in my house; I was always the wimpy chubby kid in the class room. I use to also be the “Emo” chubby kid for a while, always getting picked on and harassed for being chubby. This may read like a teen movie but it’s all true, we all get picked on no matter what. I’ve lost some weight through Wrestling and MMA, and have seen that I am a great athlete. My parents never liked these “violent” sports and they always forbid me to partake in these activities. This song reminds me of my final stand against them, telling them that I love the brutal Muay-Thai Kickboxing, the explosive Greco-Roman Wrestling, and the gentle submissions of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.

When I hear this song I can feel the beat of my heart race and go even faster, running out of breath like I’m gasping for air. My body may hurt during training but the song keeps me motivated to keep going, keep reaching that goal of being the best. Even if my family doesn’t support what I love to do I march on just like the song. Going fast and stronger, it symbolizes the freedom of expression even threw the harshest of challenges. “Don’t Forget the Violence”, it reads as if it’s coming straight out of my mouth because if I get bloodied in training. I just pick myself up and continue like the insane beat the song produces. 

 

No One Else Inspires Me More When I'm Training Like Wanderlei Silva

Salt all up on you!

I feel as if the song goes from being slow and low to higher and more up beat, it takes off like a rocket and makes your head bob along to the beat. The little dialogue that comes from the song is inspirational and makes me feel inspired, but one of the dialogues that interested me was “and I would like to be able to continue to let what is inside of me, which is from all the music that I hear, I would like all of it to come out.” This quote describes me, I am a plethora of endless music, I love music and I am constantly always listening to it, even if it’s for a brief period of time. I cannot stand not having music for a single day. And when music comes out of my phone, u know its describing the mood I’m in or its helping me heal from something that happened that same day.

Music comes out and touches people; it reaches out to me in every way possible and it can take over my day. When I’m feeling sad it comes out sad and rough around the edges, something like My Chemical Romance and Circa Survive lift up my spirits the best. While if I’m feeling wild and a little crazy I want to listen to something with a little bit of flow. Some hip-hop is what the doctor ordered and some gangster rap comes along with it. The quote sums up how we all engage music, that music can change the layout of our day, whether it be sad or hyperactive. Music makes us whole and without it we can’t really express ourselves with just mere words.